Wednesday, May 16, 2018

The 42 Secrets of Life, the Universe, and Everything


By Dave

I turned 42 last Thursday and, like all adults everywhere, the minute it happened I was blessed with knowledge of the meaning behind life, the universe, and everything. I will now share with you the 42 points of knowledge that represent the sum total of my life experience in the hopes that you will be able to apply these things to your own life and live excellently.

Unless you’ve already hit 42, in which case I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.


Ketchup – Ketchup is bullshit. If the food you are eating needs ketchup in order to be eaten you should throw it in the trash and eat something else.

Full Moon Entertainment – You will realize that Full Moon movies are neither good enough to be good nor bad enough to be good.

Pizza or Tacos – Neither will ever win. You also can’t just cut them out of your life. They’re okay in moderation; take turns. Or combine them like Taco Bell does.

Yellow Highlighters – Yellow highlighters are also bullshit. It is not 1962. Pick a color. NOBODY CAN SEE THE YELLOW.

Weird Stuff – Enjoy avant-garde movies, music, books, or whatever while you’re young. As you get older you may find that you don’t feel you have time for that bullshit.

Footwear – You can tell a lot about a person by their footwear. Also remember that they might have just mowed the lawn. But never give a man wearing flip flops the benefit of the doubt unless he’s at the beach or the pool.

Remakes/Reboots/Sequels/Prequels – Many, many things that fit these descriptions are terrible. But not everything. Nothing can take value away from the existing works that you love unless you let it.

Tattoos – They hurt. Some places hurt more than others, but they all hurt. If someone tells you they do not hurt, stop trusting them. Also, they are probably compensating for some flaw. Speaking of which…

Large Pickup Trucks/Suburban Assault Vehicles – Sorry about your tiny penis.

Hair – Young people should cherish their smooth bodies and full heads of hair. And their hairless ears. Oh, the never-ending trauma of ear hair.

Hair in Personal Regions – Groom, but not the extreme. No adult should look like a naked mole rat in their bikini areas.

Stop and Think – Why are you yelling about the thing? Did you make the thing? What is your personal stake in the thing? Will dishonor be brought upon your house if strangers do not agree with you about the thing? Will people suffer if consensus cannot be reached about the thing? Maybe the thing isn’t that important.

Time – There is nothing more valuable. Money comes and goes – you can never get more time.

Dress for the Occasion – Know when to look your best, then do it. Don’t be surprised if you’re ignored or treated poorly if you look like trash.

More on Tattoos – You chose to get them. Grow up and deal with how you’re looked at. Nobody owes you an equal shot. Unlike other folks, you chose this appearance. But also tell people it’s not okay to touch them.

Stand Up for Yourself – Know what you deserve and don’t be afraid to tell people. Know your personal worth. Don’t let others that happen to be louder take advantage of you.

Be Aware – Know your audience and your surroundings. Is it necessary to curse in public places? What is the benefit? Is your need for profanity worth disrupting someone else’s nice day?

Balance – Think about your needs versus the needs of others. Look at the personal benefits of your actions and weigh them against the negative impact they could have on others. How necessary is the thing you want to do?

Farting – Farts are unacceptable in any restaurant setting.* Otherwise farts are universally hilarious.

Reese’s – Rhymes with “pieces”, not “feces”.

The Men’s Room – The men’s restroom is not a place for conversation. It is a place for quiet introspection and peeing and pooping.

Belts – Belts will keep your pants up.

Socks – Men’s socks should cover the ankle. Any sock that does not should have a fluffy pom-pom attached at the heel. Sock color and pattern, however, should be determined by personal taste.

Regulation – There should be tests to determine who can drive, vote, have children, purchase firearms, and use the self-checkout lane. Candidates for political office should be required to pass all of these tests. The tests would be developed by independent agencies (me).

Sneezing – You get two “bless yous” or “gezhundheits”. After that, get your shit together. (I stole this from a meme)

Memes – It is okay to quote them as long as you state that you are doing so. No more than two per day.

Pop Culture Anniversaries – Celebrate increments of five. Anything else is obnoxious.

Interknowledge – Sharing personal stories is more entertaining than quoting Wikipedia. When you recite things you’ve read on the internet, people can tell.

Beloved Franchises – Know when to let them move on and be happy with however much of it you were able to enjoy. Things change, fandom is toxic. There’s no shortage of things to love.

Art – Stealing art is evil.

Outrage – Your voice is not calibrated to anyone else’s life experience. You could be doing more harm than good.

Sharing – Don’t be covetous of your knowledge and relationships. The thing that makes you special is you, not who or what you know. Also…

Ideas – They can bite your ideas all day long, but they’ll never have your talent.

Independent Toys – So cool. So expensive. Instagram pictures are good enough.

Toys R Us – I will always be a Toys R Us kid.

Dreams – No matter how low you get, no matter how bad your day is, no matter how much frustration and failure is on your plate – your dreams are never stupid. Chances are the person telling you they are is you. Tell you to shut up.

Walmart – Walmart is the devil. But sometimes you need a new shirt at 4 AM.

Guilty Pleasures – No such thing.

Paddington - Be like Paddington. Not the marmalade part, the kind part. What Would Paddington Do?

Conviction – Believe in yourself enough that you don’t have to tear things down to make a point. If someone or something else has to look foolish for you to be right, maybe your position is weak.

I Am Groot – We are Groot.

42 – Cat people or dog people. Elvis or the Beatles. Red Vines or Twizzlers. Coke or Pepsi. Portrait or landscape. You don’t have to like everyone else’s dumb preferences, but you also don’t have to let them know. Because they’re probably tolerating some dumb shit you do, too.**

*Except for Waffle House

**This rule does not apply to ketchup, Full Moon movies, highlighters, flip flops, big trucks, smooth groins, people that say "REESEES", restroom talkers, bare man ankles, or anyone that likes Walmart or Pepsi or shooting video in portrait mode

You can follow Dave as Phantom Troublemaker on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram for all the latest on pop culture!

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