Warning: There’s a lot of nasty talk in this article and there may even be a couple of pictures of vaginas. Certainly some breasts will show up. And I threw in a dong for the ladies. Or dudes, if that’s your thing.
Pre-emptive note: I knew this would be long, but I didn’t know how long. If I had, I would’ve started posting Tuesday. As things stand I am breaking it up into four parts and posting the final two on Saturday and Sunday; something I rarely do. There’s just no other way to get it done and I really don’t want to put up a 12,000-plus word post. And I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to.
Part 3 (Continued from yesterday)
Speaking of Tyrion, he is having a bad time. It isn’t clear how long he’s been stuck in the Sky Cell, but I wouldn’t want to spend even an hour in one. He finally convinces the guard to grant him an audience with Lysa in exchange for all of the gold he had on his person when he was arrested. “Lannisters always pay their debts” is apparently a literal saying in Westeros, as the guard complies and brings Tyrion before the crazy lady.
She’s ready to pronounce him guilty and throw him into a big hole in the middle of the throne room, but Tyrion suggests he prove his innocence through trial by combat. This draws the expected reaction from the crowd given Tyrion’s size (have I even mentioned that Tyrion is a little person? I sure hope so). But Tyrion is wise and knows that he can choose a champion to represent him.
Problem is, nobody wants the job. Until a mercenary who had accompanied Catelyn and her party from the inn pipes up and offers his services. It turns out the merc is the Ric Flair of fencing and uses all kinds of dirty tricks to defeat Lysa’s champion and eventually kick him through the hole in the floor.
Lysa says something along the lines of how her champion was a man of honor and the man replies, “And yet I won.” Tyrion is freed and on the way out he reclaims his purse and tosses it to the cell guard, repeating the saying about Lannisters and debt.
In Winterfell, Bran has been dreaming of a three-eyed raven (ravens are used as messengers in Westeros) who I’m pretty sure is leading him towards the memory of seeing the Lannisters humpin’ in the tower. Bran has been learning to ride and shoot and is out in the woods with Robb and Theon when the two begin arguing about Theon’s place in the world. Bran doesn’t want to hear it, so he rides off by himself. It’s kind of a Carl moment, but at the same time I get it. Plus, these are his lands. Unfortunately Bran runs into some Wildlings from the far north who are fleeing all the bad shit going on up there. They make a point of the fact that they are trying to get as far south as they can. But they also want to steal Bran’s horse and gear. Just as they are cutting the boy out of his custom saddle Robb shows up and kills a couple of them easily. Just as he has the female Wildling down, the remaining male takes Bran captive. And then an arrowhead erupts from his chest and Theon is revealed to be standing behind him.
Robb feels he can’t kill the girl in cold blood, what with her being Nymphadora Tonks and all, so he takes her back to the Winterfell keep as a prisoner.
Later, Theon comes across Ros leaving Winterfell to pursue her fortune in the big city (King’s Landing). He’s mean to her and she’s pretty reasonable about it. Then he asks if he can see her sweet, ginger vajay one last time and she complies and lifts her skirt.
I find it interesting that all the ladies of Westeros have landing strips. Maybe it just grows that way in this magical land? Actually, there’s a grooming scene later on that made me realize the finely trimmed vaginas weren’t all that out of order. Obviously they had razors back in medieval times. It kind of makes me mad I’ve had to see all the thick 70’s bush I’ve seen over the years. There’s just no reason for it.
Ned wakes up back in his room at King’s Landing with the king and queen just standing there. The king asks what happened and Cersei immediately starts being a big ol’ c-word. She accuses Ned of starting the trouble with Jaime and just won’t let it go, so the king turns around and straight up punches her in the eye.
It was wrong and you should never hit a woman and whatever, but bitch had it coming and I laughed my ass off. Cersei ran out of the room and the king got all upset. The king then tells Ned he better damn well keep his position as the King’s Hand or it’ll go to that dickwhistle Jaime. Ned sort of nods and sighs, then the king says Ned’s in charge while he goes off on a hunting trip.
Side note: Beating his wife and then hunting. Is Westeros actually Alabama?
Poor ol’ Ned isn’t regent for five minutes before the council shows up and tells him that The Mountain has been raiding villages and just generally being a big pain in the ass. Ned is already tired and pissed off - what with the big, gaping hole in his leg from a Lannister spear – and as soon as he realizes The Mountains actions are a form of retaliation for Tyrion’s arrest he orders that the big knight be stripped of his title and holdings and hunted down and brought to justice. He also summons the Lannister patriarch, Tywin, to King’s Landing to answer for The Mountain’s actions. This is all very dangerous stuff, so Ned tells his daughters he is sending them back to Winterfell for their safety. Neither wants to leave, and while Sansa is lamenting about her little blond Joffrey you can almost see a lightbulb turn on over Ned’s head. Well, a torch, I guess. Whatever.
He goes and leafs through his Big Book of Westeros Lineage and finds that every male of the Baratheon family has had black hair pretty much forever and realizes that Joffrey is not Robert’s (the king) son. I’m not sure he jumped to the same icky conclusion that I did, though. More on that later (like you don’t already know).
Syrio shows up for more training with Arya, but she’s upset because of all the stuff going on. He tells her this is the perfect time to swordfight, as she needs to be able to deal with distractions and emotions while fighting. Eventually he goads her into a session.
Joffrey apologizes to Sansa for being such a little shit, and actually comes across as pretty sincere. It really seemed like it might be something of a turning point for the character.
Back in the lands of the Dothraki, Daenerys has been becoming gradually more obsessed with the three dragon eggs. She takes one and places it on some hot coals for a bit. As she is reaching in to take it out, the girl that taught her how to Get It On walks in and is horrified. She runs over and grabs the blisteringly hot egg out of Daenerys’ hands, burning her own in the process. Daenerys’ are unmarked. This is the first real indication the show gives that there is actual magic of some sort in this world. The first one I caught, anyway (Mrs. Troublemaker says that the dragon skulls – a confirmation of dragons – were the first indication, but I think you could have dragons without magic).
Daenerys then takes part in the ritualistic eating of a horse heart. Like, a huge horse heart. Apparently the more she can eat and keep down, the more powerful and important her and Drogo’s offspring will be. She finishes the whole thing and stands and proclaims that her son will be named Rhaego and will be the stallion that mounts the world. It’s pretty impressive. Viserys, however, is not impressed and has had enough of his sister being more special than he is. He storms out of the ritual and goes to Daenerys’ tent to steal the dragon eggs so he can sell them and go be rich somewhere. But Jorah finds him and stops him, allowing him to leave but demanding Viserys return the eggs. The elder Targaryen got even more pouty after that and apparently went and drowned his sorrows, because he showed up drunk and massively stupid at the tail end of Daenerys’ ritual. He stumbled in and started whining about how he never got his army and he just wants his gold crown. Then he goes and pulls his sword on Daenerys and Drogo is all like, “Oh, fuck, son; you gone and fucked up now” and gets this straight gangsta look on his face and tells Viserys fine he can have his army. Viserys almost can’t believe it (and so he shouldn’t have), but he backs up and sheathes his blade. At which point two Dothraki grab his arms and break them, driving the man to his knees. Drogo hops up and dumps some soup out of a boiling pot and replaces it with gold coins. You can see where this is going. The gold melts and Viserys sees exactly where this is going and starts blubbering. Drogo pulls the pot off of the fire and walks over to the kneeling man. And then, “Here’s your crown, bitch,” and dumps the molten metal right on top of Viserys’ head.
The horsemen hold him there for a second, then allow him to drop to the ground, where his head hits with an audible “thunk” that made me laugh. Daenerys looks and her dead brother and remarks that he was no dragon, fire can’t hurt dragons. Obviously this is a significant theme given her seeming invulnerability to heat.
That was my favorite scene in the show so far.
Side Note: I can’t remember when it happened (it was obviously before now, and also before the scene with Arya hiding in the dragon skull) but Viserys was taking a bath with a whore at one point. He tells her about his childhood growing up in King’s Landing and how he had to memorize the names of the dragons whose skulls lined the main hall. I’m sure each of the dragon’s names had meaning, but I totally dorked out when one of them was named Vermithrax. If you don’t know, Vermithrax Pejorative is the dragon from the excellent movie Dragonslayer. I suppose it could be some sort of common dragon name, I dunno. But it was awesome to hear here.
And finally we meet the sire of all the douchebag Lannister kids. Tywin Lannister is in a tent skinning a stag (symbolic, eh?) and discussing recent events with his son, Jaime. Tywin feels that all the trouble with the Starks is clearly Jaime and his sister’s fault, but he’s going to use the opportunity to put the Lannisters on the Iron Throne. To this end, he sends Jaime off with half of his army to attack the homelands of the Tullys – Lysa and Catelyn’s family – as revenge for Tyrion’s arrest.
Theon – apparently needing some new trim now that Ros is gone – has a weird conversation with Tonks (sorry, I don’t know her show name).
Things get a little uncomfortable before the Starks’ teacher fella shows up to break things up. Theon leaves and Tonks tells the teacher about the White Walkers coming back and how all of these armies should be joining and marching north. The teacher seems discomfited.
To the north, Jon and Sam and the rest of the new recruits to the Night’s Watch are ready to take their oaths when a horse comes running out of the woods north of The Wall. It is Benji’s horse (he left on a patrol some time ago). Later the recruits receive their assignments and Jon is told he will be a steward – the commander’s personal assistant – rather than a ranger (one of the dudes who actually go on patrols and fight and stuff). Jon is super pissed until Sam theorizes that the reason behind the assignment is that the commander is grooming Jon to take over one day. The recruits that honor the Old Gods travel north to a tree to take their oaths. Jon and Sam are the only two. While they are there Jon’s dire wolf runs out of the woods with a severed human hand, leading to the discovery of two frozen corpses – two of the rangers that were with Benji.
Side Note: I’m not sure what the whole situation is with the Gods. There are old gods and new gods and the number “7” figures in somewhere. There is a type of tree with red blooms or leaves that is held sacred by those who revere the Old Gods. One such tree is at Winterfell and was the backdrop for several important discussions. Another is north of The Wall and is where Sam and Jon took their oaths.
The king is out hunting with Renly, Lancel Lannister (whom he has taken as a steward), and his captain. He’s super drunk and something bad is obviously going to happen.
Speaking of Renly, we found out he is having sexy time with the Knight of Flowers. And by “sexy time” I mean the Knight of Flowers is shaving Revly’s hairy parts, persuading him he should be the king, and then sucking his dick. With audible slurpy sounds.
This was another thing that made me laugh that maybe shouldn’t have. But c’mon, were the slurpy sounds really necessary?
Also having some sexy time is Ros (surprise!). She has made her way to King’s Landing and is auditioning (I guess?) for Baelish to work in one of his brothels. The audition involves totally getting it on with another chick while Baelish watches, narrates, and tells a bit of his life story.
Every once in a while he’ll throw out a directive. I think, “Play with her ass,” is probably my favorite. Over the course of the scene we find out that Baelish is, unsurprisingly, quite power hungry and ruthless. Also, Ros and her new special friend get the jobs.
When next we see Ned he is preparing for a Big Scene. He has sent for Cersei so he can tell her he knows all about hers and Jaime’s twincest and how Joffrey is their inbred little monkey boy. Obviously this is a huge mistake. But Cersei takes it all in stride, claiming that that’s just how her family rolls because they don’t want to taint the bloodline with inferior stock. Ned tells her to get the heck out of town because as soon as the king returns he’s going to present his finding s and that dude is not going to be happy.
And the king is, indeed, not happy. But it’s because he got too drunk and was gored by a boar. He’s dying and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. He calls Ned to his bedside and dismisses everybody else, dictating his wishes for succession to Ned. The king wants Ned to continue performing as regent until Joffrey is old enough to rule, and he wants Ned to make Joffrey better than he is. Ned intentionally writes “rightful heir” rather than “Joffrey”.
After Ned leaves the king, he tells Varys to stop the assassination order on Daenerys. Varys says it’s probably too late. And then pretty much everybody tries to convince Ned of their own plans for succession. Ned refuses and insists the proper heir is Stannis Baratheon, the king’s younger brother. That crazy Ned. Being Good and Decent is going to be the death of him. Knowing this, he asks Baelish to ready the City Watch to have his back when he presents the king’s will to Cersei and Joffrey.
Turns out Varys was right about the assassination.
On the far side of the Narrow Sea, Daenerys is in a market with her people and Jorah (who is Varys’ contact and the reason the council knew about her being preggers in the first place). She comes across a wine merchant who speaks her native language (though Daenerys has mastered the language of the Dothraki at this point). When the man finds out who she is, he offers her a cask of his finest red wine, to be sampled on the spot. Jorah has a total Darth Vader moment and decides he has to save this lady he swore fealty to. He tells the merchant that he’s going to drink first and the dude takes off. The same Dothraki that whipped Viserys brought the wine merchant down and he was taken back to the camp and tied to a post. When Drogo learns of the plot against his wife he goes all nuts and proclaims that he will take his people across the Narrow Sea, fuck everybody over there up, and claim the Iron Throne. It’s a pretty damn good speech and Jason Momoa’s performance in Game of Thrones makes me wonder why I haven’t seen Conan yet.
Back in King’s Landing, the king finally expires. Knowing he has to move fast, Ned rushes to the throne room and summons Baelish and the City Watch to meet him there.
Cersei is already there and Joffrey is on the Iron Throne (which makes me a little sick). Ned presents the king’s will to Cersei and she just tears it up. He then makes the mistake of trying to out Joffrey as the inbred little creep that he is, only to have the throne room guards slaughter the City Watch and find himself on the wrong end of Baelish’s dagger.
“I told you not to trust me,” says the man.
I saw it coming, but it still blew my mind. Poor ol’ Ned.
Despite the quickness of the exchange, the transition in rulers causes some bedlam in King’s Landing. There’s fighting throughout the castle and Ned’s daughters are being sought out. Sansa is taken into custody by The Hound in a scene that I thought was going to get ugly but didn’t. Arya manages to escape the castle while Syrio holds off five castle guards with his wooden sword.
I’d been waiting for this dude to have a fight scene and I was not disappointed. It seems like he died, though which is disappointing. It was off-screen though, so there is still hope (probably not). As Arya is leaving the castle she runs into a stable boy who tries to detain her. He shows no intentions of letting her go, so the girl draws Needle and sticks it in his gut.
Somehow or another he acts stupid and ends up impaled and dead. Arya’s not happy about this, but she isn’t overly dismayed, either.
In the throne room, Joffrey is holding court with his mother by his side. A minstrel is playing a song that I didn’t catch the lyrics to, but they pissed little king shit off and he had the man de-tongued. Sansa watched all of this and then pleaded with Joffrey to spare her father. Joffrey said as long as he admits his treason and acknowledges Joffrey’s succession he can live. Cersei and Joffrey also compel Sansa to write a letter to Winterfell informing the remaining Starks of Ned’s “treachery”.
Robb receives the letter and of course knows it’s a complete load of shit. He decides it’s time to lead an army down to King’s Landing, kill dome Lannisters, and rescue his father. You know, as one does. He holds a council of war with the other men of the north and they all agree that they’ve got to go and fetch Ned back from those shitbag Lannisters.